Extra Fancy Cranberry Sauce

The only cranberry sauce recipe you’ll need to please everybody. Even the people who hate cranberry sauce.

Open that shit upside down, it helps allow the goop to slide out of that can all nice and easy.

Oh cranberry sauce, that tart, sugary, gelatinous, can shaped necessary evil thing. Just sitting there in the center of the Thanksgiving table all glisony, taunting me, and guilting me to eat it, but there is nothing you can do to convince me that shit is any good. Every year like clock work some good-kind-hearted family member decides they’re going to make cranberry sauce from scratch because “the reason you (I) don’t like cranberry sauce is because you haven’t had a good one yet”. Then I have to have a bite of their well meaning cranberry sauce while they watch with excitement to see if their cranberry sauce is the key to unlocking my love of all things cranberry, while I smile try not to gag and say “It’s not as bad as I thought it’d be” watch them smile turn to celebrate with others that their’s was “The One” that turned me while I politely spit it into my napkin. Why am I this way you ask? I’m not sure but maybe if I grew up not feeling like force feed foie gras goose I could have grown out of my dislike of cranberries.

If your a regular follower of this blog then you’re probably expecting a recipe card at the end of this post, but this recipe is so special that I’m going to do it a little different. No recipe card just my detailed step by step instruction that must be followed exactly if you want the perfect cranberry sauce.

Step One: Go to the store and buy the cheapest can of cranberry sauce. No specific brand is better for this recipe than another.

Step Two: Flip that can upside down to open because for some reason it helps slide the goop out of the can.

Step Three: Slowly allow it to slowly fall out of the can to insure the perfect cylindrical shape. Just like I did in the video.

Step Four: Slice that thing as thin as you can. Try your best to cut along the lines of the can, this step is important.

Step Five: Arrange any poorly sliced pieces on the bottom to hide the fact you (I) can’t slice for shit, and arrange the “nice” slices on top to fake that you can do things right.

Step Six: Arguably the most important step…

Throw that shit away!!

No one needs it, secretly you know it’s the worst thing on the Thanksgiving table. No one has ever said “I can’t wait to stuff my face with a years worth of cranberry sauce this Thanksgiving!”. I know there are people who are going to disagree with me on my anti cranberry stance, and for those all I can say is, we can all disagree and still be friends.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: